Awww.. my coworkers are so sweet :) *waves*

Car Wreck

I was in a car wreck the other night (so yeah, my car is FUCKED)... that's why I said what I said yesterday. A red light runner in an SUV T-boned me... and aside from a neck and knee sprain, some bruises, and glass cuts (not to mention my fingers keep going numb)... I managed to walk away. The girl got a ticket for running the light thankfully. I was pretty shaken up and crying most of the time. Man, I've always been afraid of getting hit by someone running a red light. What a scary experience.

I love you, Grant... thanks for being so supportive and helpful. And thanks, Amy, for giving me a call.. that was so sweet and thoughtful of you.

I almost died tonight. :(

I loathe being at the point of no return... I mean this about many things in my life right now. I've made mistakes in my life... even as recent as a couple days ago... that I can no longer take back. All I can do is try to be a good person, and a good lover. I've learned that I am both an extremely selfish and selfless person at the same time. Sometimes it's hard not to think about anyone else but yourself, but isn't that the only person you can count on anyway?

UGH.. I FUCKED UP LAST NIGHT :(

Friday Five

1. What is one thing you don't like about your body?
All the extra fat on it.

2. What are two things you love about your body?
My boobs, and that I'm not missing any body parts.

3. What are three things you want to change about your home?
Where it is, the size of it, and setting up a separate computer and audio equipment room.

4. What are four books you want to read this year?
All three LOTR's and the fourth book is TBD.

5. What are five promises you have kept to yourself?
I'm not sure what that question is supposed to mean, but I'm going to assume it means what are some promises you've made to yourself... and in that case.. here goes:

- Try to call people by the correct name... cuz I've always sucked at it.
- Be more confident, and try not to be so insecure
- Be more self-motivated to do things
- Try to be a more active listener
- Learn something new as often as possible

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Yes Chris, I remember her.. why? Are you dating her now or almost getting married? No, I'm not saying that resentfully, but I imagine that is the only reason why you would bring her up at this point.

Yippee! Got my first fiddling lesson tomorrow... and oh yeah... we're renting our own practice room now! woot! No more fears of eviction!

Friday Five

1. Where do you currently work?
Verizon

2. How many other jobs have you had and where?
2 other jobs. Prodigy/Flashnet & Stream

3. What do you like best about your job?
The environment, the pay, and the people

4. What do you like least about your job?
I wish it were more challenging, and I'd actually like to be more specialized in something so I could move onto another department... not my job's fault... all mine.

5. What is your dream job?
I have many dream jobs....a photographer, or someone working behind the scenes on movie sets or other theatrical productions, someone involved in the production of a software game, a professional violinist, clothing designer, some kind of investigator or some job that requires a lot of research or investigating, a dancer, or a secret shopper.

Why I'm such a paranoid person, I'll never know. I guess I feel that I will always be a victim to the ironies of life. Insecurity is also another issue... but of course... that has to come from somewhere... who do I blame but myself? My stomach turns into knots as I worry about one mundane thing to another... never finding resolve no matter how minimal the issue. Is it genetic? Is it a part of my upbringing? Or does it have to do with the experiences I've had throughout my life?


I don't know what I need to be more confident about things in my life... financially... romantically... socially... it seems all so difficult.

Someone needs to create a "Don't Jump to Conclusions" mat for me.

Friday Five

1. Where are you right now?
My boyfriend's place

2. What time is it?
11:46am brunchtime

3. What are you wearing?
A towel.. just got outta the shower.

4. Any people or animals around you? Describe them.
1 person. Grant. He appears to be asleep, facing the wall, messy hair, cold and is curled up in his blanky.

5. What are your plans for the weekend?
Saturday - we slept in... he apparently stayed up all night with my little sister, her boyfriend, and their friend F. They were all wide awake from the time I had left for work at 10:00p the night before till about 7am when I came home the next morning. Quite a surprise. We stayed in and watched some rented movies, and then went to a bar to meet up with my sister and her boyfriend and their coworkers. (btw congrats again Mar)

Sunday - We shall have brunch or lunch, go to the Celtic Store to shop for sheet music books, look at an apartment, and eventually we'll be going to my friend Will's big 3-0 birthday dinner this evening. Plans afterwards? TBD.

BTW... indeed it IS a small world, Miss Erica :) Hope to see you at Defcon... or heck... maybe at a more local event before then :) My boyfriend brought it up to some of his hax0r buddies and apparently felix knows who you are, but not GRatte, oddly enough :P

Strangers, this will make no sense to you

Alright... enough of this BS already! Chris is a good guy.. and he was a good man to me... despite what most people thought, and how unhappy I always seemed while I was with him -- maybe I had my own issues. I did enjoy his company, we had a special bond, and deep down inside I appreciated the things he did for me.. the sacrifices... and having to deal with the shit I put him through. We clashed because I felt like he was being my father, when all he was doing was watching out for me. Anyone with common sense (which I often lack) would realize that that was a good thing. We had compatibility issues... but we still got along fine when we were alone usually. Yet something always stressed me out about him... he was way too condescending to me, and I was tired of his high-horse act. Despite that, I still love him, and know he is a good person... having good morals and intentions does not make someone bad. I guess I felt too imprisoned in that situation. And I wish people would stop making it such a bad thing that he doesn't believe in drug usage -- someone's got to be sober out there.

There is nothing Chris did that required my forgiveness... other than tearing up very sentimental family pictures (after the breakup). You were good to me, you were so faithful, and you showed me love like no other We both had horrible tempers... but perhaps it had something to do with us being around each other 24x7 with no breaks in between... it can drive 2 people mad.

Chris, your wonderful friends and family are right... and I'm sure you know it, too... I was the wrong girl for you. I knew it, too. That's why you should be glad I'm gone. Though I didn't choose the BEST way to leave you (and I'm pretty sure I'm not the only human being in this world who has ever done it that way), I am still content with my choice, and I only wish that you could forget about me and stop trying to curse my relationship. Obviously I don't live by your rules nor anyone else's... so why bother? Doesn't that make me too stubborn to deal with? Anyway, you deserve so much better than me, so go out and find it... clinging onto my memory isn't fair to new people you date, just like it wasn't fair for me to still be sad about you after dating someone new.

I imagine you would be just as bitter about me dating anyone else on this planet even if I wasn't with the man you despise so much right now. Don't you see... we just weren't meant to be. I don't ever remember feeling this happy and free in my life... I'm not saying I owe it all to the man I'm with... I'm just talking about the situation I'm in... where I am emotionally, what I'm doing with my life now.. it's all coming together.. and it's what I always looking for. Chris, you and I rubbed each other the wrong way... yet we also managed to rub each other the right way and make each other happy, if only for a moment... we had way too much of a love/hate relationship.... how could you stick around and wait to see if I would ever become more compatible with you? Maybe I really wasn't ever going to be any different from how I am now... sure, I'll probably act a lot more mature later on, but who would want to wait that long if they couldn't get along with me now? So I wasn't changing for you... since when does someone have to change their whole way of being for someone else? I may have loved you, but I don't think I would have wanted to become a totally different me just to make you happy. I'm sure it would have been worth it for you, but wouldn't that have taken away some of my pride, not being able to be myself?

Chris, if you are reading this... know that I love you, and I care for you, but I don't think this is our time, and I don't believe it ever will be. Too much is ruined, and like I said before... you deserve better, and so do I -- better for me... as low as you may think my standards are.

By the way, if you would rather I not post such personal stuff to my front page, you should consider getting an email address so I can communicate with you a bit more privately to avoid the embarassment.

Chris, you are a good guy, and you need a good woman.

I hate when I think I may have accidentally swallowed hair, bugs, or any other foreign object... and whether or not I really did... my throat feels like there's something there. Sometimes it isn't the greatest thing to have such an overactive imagination. Wait, when is it ever?

I've been really tired at work lately... not so sure why. Maybe I'm just not sleeping very well... I usually go to bed after work and sleep... usually 5 hrs later for some reason I wake up.. and it's hard to go back to sleep... sometimes I try to take little naps but I still don't fall asleep. Maybe I need iron or something. Actually, I do notice that I get more tired around PMS... so that could be related as well. I'm changing shifts soon anyway... wonder if that'll help. :)

ilyt

... my heart skipped a beat, and I couldn't believe my ears ... and tears of joy overcame me for the first time in my life. {sigh}

Friday Five

1. Do you wear any jewelry? What kind?
Sorta, if you consider a spiked collar a necklace.

2. How often do you wear it?
When I find fitting.

3. Do you have any piercings? If so, where?
Yes, just my ears.. I'm a wuss.

4. Do you have any tattoos? If so, where?
Nope.

5. What are your plans for the weekend?
Laundry, fiddling, recording, spending time with my boy.

Thank you, Chris... and I am sorry. :( Please be careful... and think before you act. (Kind of hypocritical of me to say something like that... but someone's got to say it)

God, I am so happy!

Happy New Year! (had to work through midnight this year :( )