Chris' Take on Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Clones and the new Star Wars seriesCONTAINS SPOILERS -- DO NOT READ IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE MOVIE AND DON'T WANT TO KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT IT YETI recently saw Episode Two. I can say it was definitely an improvement over Episode One, but still pretty bad. Jar Jar still shows up, but thank the lord he doesn't follow in the movie. Also the movie was so unreal feeling. I felt like I was watching a computer game with actors standing in front of a painting. I mean what looks more real, cutting out yourself in a picture and pasting it right next to a picture of a celebrity or standing with your arm around a cardboard prop of one? Computer animation can sure look more fake than when you had to do it the hard way. What's worse is they seem to spend more money and end up not making it look as real as the first three movies that were done like over twenty years ago. I also felt as if I wasn't even watching a Star Wars movie. They throw in R2-D2 to help you remember it's Star Wars you're watching. It's almost as if I was watching one of those T.V. shows that spawned from a movie such as Stargate or Poltergeist or a TV show spawned from another TV show that every once in a while they have one of the original cast members written into a part where they swing on through the show. Kind of like in Frasier you have Norm on the show from Cheers drop by. I remember the one episode I saw he hinted he was stopping by some bar after work he always goes to. In Episode One and Two that's what they have to keep doing, but it's so pathetic how they do it. It's almost like the movie has to rethink itself the whole way through so they can pop up these elements of the first Star Wars movies so the audience goes "ah yes, Star Wars." I mean yes we are dealing with Anakin, Yoda, and OB1 that are from the original movie and the places they go are the same, but it all just has a different feel to it, so that's why these things are essential, but it could be done better. Even Uncle Owen makes a stop on by our show. Who cares about Uncle Owen?
Even in the first three movies the vehicles are different almost in all three films, but they at least looked like they were made from the same manufacturer (being the makers of the film) and they had character. I remember the Imperial Walkers and they seemed so intimidating. I love the scene where they invade the rebel snow base, it was one of the best Star Wars scenes ever. The speeder bikes in Return of the Jedi were awesome, I wanted to own one one day. The millennium Falcon was a huge hunk of junk that could run with the best. The Death Star seemed like the ultimate. That massive powerful battle station you knew what it could do, it could blow up a whole planet. In episode One and Two I got none of that. The vehicles tried to be junkie, but too advanced. The styling was off too. When did you ever see a shiny metal spaceship in the first three movies? But really where it failed to have character is how they used them. Can you imagine the snow base invasion by the imperial walkers done today? They would throw in the imperial walkers and two million of those robots from Episode One and Two running around and have snowmen that live on the planet helping the rebels that use giant green glowing snowballs that melt the imperial walkers when they launch it at them. Oh and I think the base would look like a magnificent castle made of ice as a backdrop. It's just so cluttered.
Have you noticed the light saber craze of the first two. In the old days a light saber was plain and simple, just a glowing stick of light that cuts through anything. Sure they had various colors to choose from to compliment your jedi image, but it just stopped there. When I saw the preview of Episode One they show Darth Maul looking towards the camera with a serious look holding out his light saber and then TWO lights come out of both sides. I was like "aw crap". On top of that he was a martial arts expert that could impress the hell out of the characters from the Matrix. I mean did Darth Vader or the Emperor come off like a ninja? Even Yoda comes off like a ninja. One of the best aspects to Yoda was like "how could this little booger be a powerful Jedi?" Could they have just left that to our imagination? I just imagined he could have said "bah humbug" and your ears would have ripped off your skull. But back to the saber craze. In the first it was a double saber, then Anakin fights with two, and that Dooku guy sorta has an arch to it on the handle (was there a skull with two glowing red eyes on the end of it? I couldn't tell). I saw a pretty purple one too (yes there are gay Jedi's, nothing wrong with that). In Episode Three I expect a four armed Jedi with four double sabers with one in each hand (different colors?) and we have to watch Matrix 2 to find out how amazing his ninja capabilities will be.
The acting in Star Wars was pretty lame too. Anakin looked like he was just ready to jump on Natalie Portman the whole time. I would too be like that. So what if you remembered this hot chick when you were ten and you ran into her again. Is that the love we are expected to believe? In that scene where they are near the fireplace it almost felt like she was about to whip out a dime and say "I want you to paint a picture of me Jack...I mean Anakin" Also Anakin creates a great disturbance in the force. He sets out to find his missing mother kidnapped by sand people and when he gets there she dies in his arms (amazing the timing). Then he comes out and sorta "kills em all", women and children too! He cries about it for two seconds and then they are off on another adventure and in the end get he gets married (like maybe the next day or something?). YEAH RIGHT!!! I also don't understand if he hated sand people so much why when he became Darth Vader he didn't make it a priority to wipe them all out. Seems like the thing to do, just blow up the whole planet, that should do it or just send down ten million of the robots from Episode One and Two to hunt them all down. Anakin was just too much of a little girl in this movie. In the first he seemed like an all right kid. Now he seems to have problems. Yes, he is on the path to the dark side, but he seems more like he'd have issues with OB1 yelling at him to clean his room up more often "gosh OB1, that's so unfair *boo hoo* I hate you, I want to put on a black plastic mask now and live in a giant ball with all men". Also did you notice Anakins hand replacement? Luke Skywalkers prosthetic looked real, so why didn't Anakin's? Was that just a style thing?
There are some aspects to the movie I liked. Jango Fett saved the movie a lot. We all love Boba Fett so much, but he didn't have a big role at all in the first three movies. He is just some bounty hunter that looks really cool, but gets killed easily by being thrown into that giant mouth in the sand. In Episode Two Jango gets his head cut off pretty dang quick despite being able to kick OB1s butt a little bit and escaping. I liked the time he was in the movie, but it was such a small role compared to the big role he had in the story. He was cloned about several thousand times so I am sure one of them could put on his uniform sometime and make another appearance for all the Star Wars geeks to be delighted, plus you have Boba Fett too to save Episode Three. There was one other scene I liked and that was at the end when the clones were being loaded up on the ships that sorta resembled Star Destroyers and the classic evil empire music was playing. The scene looked like computer game quality and could have been made to look a lot better, but same with the rest of the movie. I liked it though. It showed sorta how this was all wrapping up. They also tried to do that earlier, but very pathetically. When they are attacking the "bad guys" they have a hologram image of the death star. I noticed a lot of gurus in the audience pointing to the screen. Then the "bad guys" are like "oh hey, uh....let's make sure they aren't on to our BIG SECRET here and put that thing away." But I really like how they are putting everything into perspective. They show that Dooku guy meeting up with the emperor and they sorta hint that two sides will unite and all hell will break loose.
If they do it right, Episode Three will rock and it will save Episode One and Two. If they sorta merge into making everything look like the first three movies I might actually begin to like the first two a lot better. Stop with the mass armies of robots, prevent Jedis from having light sabers coming out of their ears, decay things a little, and stop with the cartoonish backdrops and computer game quality animation, and really show the transition I am sure the first three will be loved as much as the first three. Just remember, people hated Empire Strikes Back when it came out, then they hated Return of the Jedi and loved Empire Strikes Back more, and now they love all first three. Before Jar Jar everyone hated Ewoks, before Ewoks they hated Yoda, and before Yoda it was all good. I am sure though if they gave Boba Fett a bigger role in the first three it would be essential to make him a big deal in the first three, but geez, he's not. Let's just save him for a mini-series based off of Star Wars and we'll have Uncle Owen pop in for a couple episodes to check up on us.
