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Things I'm Thankful For...

Life
People who love and care for me
Food and Shelter
All five senses working
My brain
My job
My great best friends

Chris Speaks

(I really need my own webpage)

Directions for saying you love Dave Mathews Band: Hold out your hand as if to say "wait a minute" and then speak sorta like a valley girl (but slowly) and with emphasis on the word 'love' and then say "I looooooove Dave Mathews Band. Ok, now you try it.

I just don't get it why (mostly college girls) love Dave Mathews Band so much. It must be a "cool chick" thing. Most of these girls also love to say "I loooooooove to get totally drunk and part-ay!!!" Which is wierd because Dave Mathews Band doesn't seem like party music. Once again it must be a part of the "cool chick" image.

I guess I'm just getting old and I really don't care at 27. But then again, there are lots of people my age that "loooooove Dave Mathews Band". Call me a square. I don't really want to bash them, some of the music is...OK I guess, but I don't get the "I loooooooove Dave Mathews Band" thing. Did someone on Dawson's Creek say it like that or something?

Random Shiznit

- Spiders and other freaky bugs are multiplying like mad this year
- I'm tired of this layout... it's been over a damn year and I can't seem to get my new look launched.
- I am not getting enough sleep lately
- I am finally losing weight .. again
- My dad isn't so bad anymore
- I need a new freakin car!
- I could definitely use more girlfriends
- I am madly addicted to bowling, but it's going to get more expensive than a crack habit.
- There are way too many SUV's and trucks on the road
- I am lovin' my job!

Happy Birthdays to...

My sister Michelle, an old classmate Son-Sie, my friend Blythe's brother, and my new pal Nathan's sister!


Rules to follow if you use IM in the workplace like we do.

Dorky Link of the Day

Hamster Porn - The Live Nude Hamster Cam! (not really pornographic.. just suggestive and stupid hehe)

Layne Staley - Alice In Chains


Today, I found out that Layne Staley (singer for Alice In Chains) had died. (This is Chris, Rosalyn's boyfriend by the way)

Lately I've been listening to Alice In Chains a lot and it's just so weird since their music has been on my mind a lot. I'm not the type to get all emotional when a celebrity dies, but I feel so sad about it. Anyone who listens to them knows the lyrics are dark, but it doesn't promote it in a "cool to be twisted" way, but rather in a way to be recognized as "we all feel that way sometimes". It helped me feel like I wasn't alone and shined a light of hope for me. It got me through some very difficult times. I don't drink away my sorrow, so music for me is my drug. It's not inspiring church music, but it's something that you can deeply relate to.

I'd like to share a part of one of their songs I listen to a lot.. It's to the song 'Don't Follow' and I encourage anyone who reads this to listen to the song. If his death was suicidal though I think I need to start listening to Wilson Phillips (Hold On for One More Day), but I will truly miss Layne. His image was always inspiring to me and how he expressed himself through music.

I get so lost and don't know how
And it hurts to care, I'm going down
Forgot my woman, lost my friends
Things I'd done and where I've been
Sleep in sweat the mirrors cold
See my face it's growin' old
Scared to death no reason why
Do whatever to get me by
Think about the things I said
Read the page it's cold and dead
Take me home
Say goodbye, don't follow

NIFTY

Wow.. my manager showed us a link to an article on ZDNet about the department I work in and how we use instant messaging to make our jobs easier... neato! :) For some reason they called it the NOC (network operations center), but we call it the OSC (operations support center).... same difference... I guess?

RIP Jackson E. Carr - August 12, 1995 - April 15, 2002

Today, I went to the funeral of my co-worker, Mike's son who was murdered by his two siblings. I cannot even fathom the pain Mike...the father of all three children, and his wife and family are going through at this time. They continue to be in my prayers...

I came thinking I was old enough and strong enough to handle the funeral. For the most part, that was true. But after walking past the casket, and seeing Jackson's innocent, peaceful, and childish face... I could not help but choke up tears. I never realized that there was nothing more sad and disturbing than to see a child in a casket. I had never seen that before... just my grandparents and someone else's grandfather. Maybe other people have been through it before, but, I don't think even seeing it millions of times, I would ever feel less sorrow. It made me want to cry more when I saw that there were other children there and most if not all of them were crying... some intensely. They were probably in disbelief that this could happen to someone so young, so much like them. I saw this little blonde girl, probably about 6 years old, crying uncontrollably, looking affected by the tragedy beyond her years, and I wanted to come over to her and give her a big hug and comfort her. I didn't... because her mother ended up doing that for me.

What hurt even more was that after seeing him that one last time, I realized he was the little boy I had met at the end of last year when Mike brought him to work. He was the well-mannered, sweet little boy that I now wish I had the pleasure of knowing better. I don't think he or any child deserves what happened to him. He will be missed...

Right now, I feel two things... immense sadness and anger. I am sad for the whole family affected, and I am angry that children are actually capable of doing this to one another, let alone their own flesh and blood. I hate that there just some things that people do that you just can't predict or prevent...

When I drove up to the funeral home, across the street in front of the cemetary were around 15-20 media folks.. equipped with TV and still cameras. They were poised like cats stalking prey, and waiting for people to leave the building and take sad and sentimental looking images to portray in their 15 second news stories. After the service ended, all 200 or so of us gathered outside at the front of the building, and I watched as cameramen snapped away and seeked out people who looked most emotionally distraught by the event. You could see them aim right at people who were hugging each other and crying, or wiping away tears. I kept a pretty mellow face, as did the rest of my co-workers... I really didn't want to be one of their possible "models" or examples of people at the funeral. In a way I felt disgusted that they were doing this... but I guess the media sometimes needs images to say what they can't with words -- that's the only way I can justify their presence. The part where I felt most annoyed by the camera crews was when they were proceeding to take pictures at the actual burial site. I watched as a few cameramen followed the funeral home employees walking towards the site. I thought it was in a way very disrespectful that they wanted to tape any footage of the burial. It was so unnecessary.

I wish there was a lesson we could all learn from this to prevent it from happening in the future, but I couldn't come up with one. The only thing I've learned from this experience is that you should cherish every moment you can with your children, or perhaps anyone you ever come to know. Life is so precious... be thankful for every moment of it you get to have. We could always be here one moment, and not the next.

Population B-O-O-M

Is it me, or is the Dallas/Fort Worth area population growing out of control? People seem to be popping up like weeds around here. There are 8-10 times more cars on the road than what I remember 5 years ago. I lived in Dallas from age 3 through 18, and it has always been pretty populated, and now it is even worse if you can imagine. Getting from one suburb to another these days is almost like a small road trip sometimes, especially if you don't take the tollways or crowded highways. Where did all these people come from? Did it rain people one day and I missed it?

When I moved to Fort Worth, it took me a while to get used to the more industrial and rural settings, but then I began to appreciate all the space and ease of traffic we had here. It used to be that in comparison to Dallas, Fort Worth was really easy to get around and about in because not many people hung out there so there wasn't much traffic. Now, with the nice downtown that it has, Fort Worth is more popular to hang out in, but it still does not substantiate the number of cars and people that crowd the streets. There were also not that many places for people to shop or live around here either, and since they started using up the land to build more neighborhoods and "clone" shopping centers, that is no longer a "problem". Fort Worth is now becoming Dallas Jr. When I drive around lately... I feel like I'm cheek to cheek with other drivers. Even the small city I live right by is now as crowded as your typical Dallas suburb... something an errand that used to take 10-15 minutes, can take 30-45 minutes to accomplish... and this is talking about stores and restaurants that are 1-3 miles from my house.

So... is it my imagination that there are really just MORE people old enough to drive and take up the roads, or is it because families are getting bigger and starting to move to where there's more space to distribute the population... like Fort Worth? Are people just having more kids these days?

My possible solutions? 1. Create a campaign of mass persuasion to make people lose interest in inhabiting Fort Worth. 2. Buy my own helicopter to get around in 3. Move to a less populated town or city, that has all the conveniences of a big suburb 4. Conspire to put birth control in the water supply 5. Quit my bitchin' and just learn how to deal with bumping elbows with other people.

As I see it, 3 & 4 are my most likely choices. :) ahhhhhh... done ranting

UGH

I guess the Supreme Court sees NOTHING wrong with little 10 year olds posing in skimpy clothing for a camera.

:(

Ugh.. this is sad. One of my co-worker's sons, age 6, was found murdered this morning near his home, sometime after he went to go play hide-and-seek. My prayers go to his family. :(

OH MY GOD... his 15 year old daughter and 10 year old son admitted to killing him. What is wrong with this world??????? I actually met his one of his sons a few months ago, but don't remember which one. He was very normal though and had great manners.

My Absolute Favorite Picture of Christopher



His mom told me he used to take a half of one of those plastic eggs and bite it with his mouth and it would cover up his little nose. :)

X10

I figured there had a to be some kind of drawback as far as those overly advertised wireless cameras...

To give you an idea of how badly out of shape I am... I went bowling this weekend and my WHOLE body is sore.. back, butt, arms, fingers, shoulders, legs.. I need to be more active again. Since when did I become such a lazybutt? Heh.

Girls & Pr0n

I admit it... since I was introduced to the internet, I have seen pr0n (p-o-r-n for people who don't know) before out of curiousity... and it has really made my mind wonder...

First of all, I'm not talking about the professionals... I'm talking about amateur stuff. Throughout all the pop-up ads and links all over the pages, you've got realize there are MANY DIFFERENT girls that have done this. I imagine from the many faces I've seen, there have to be hundreds more for each of them, and the thought truly freaks me out. I always thought pr0n was unacceptable.. morally WRONG. I still do.

What in God's name possesses these girls to just give in and do something like that? Even for a couple week's pay in a day's work. Don't they realize that photos and videos are almost permanent in a way? Especially if they've made it onto the 'net? With so many girls out there that have done it... I always wonder if I've ever talked to or ran into a girl that has ever done it before. *shudder*... I mean.. I've seen some of these girls look like everyday college type girls and daddy's little girls that you would never imagine ever let themselves be seen in such a crude manner. I mean, they might as well become prostitutes... at least then, they'll have less of a chance of someone recognizing them later!

I'm curious... what percentage of these women end up telling their future husbands that they've done this before?? I would feel so obligated to let my husband know something like that about me because it would kill me for him to find out from a third party. Can you imagine the hell you'd be in if he were to be told by his buddies that they saw pictures of his wife doing !@#%@# with Lord knows who... on the internet? Sheesh! I can only imagine the regret and pain that woman, let alone the husband would feel after that. So why do these girls even do it -- to prove something about themselves? Can they all blame what they did on being young and naive -- especially when they probably did it when they were college aged and supposedly more aware of their actions? Are these girls getting into it thinking they'll get away with not ever telling anyone? When you do stuff like that and get it taped or photographed... don't you realize that it's almost like a permanent tattoo on your soul?

I think that when these girls/women get into this, they probably have several different mentalities.

One - I REALLY need the money and it's EASY money.

Two - I'd really like to show off my WILD side!

Three - My life is going downhill... it's not like this could make it any worse....... right?

Four - I've always wanted to be in movies! Maybe I could become famous! This will really launch my acting career! (ha!)

Five - I want to do this because I LOVE S E X, and hey.. why not get paid for something I love?

Six - Who's gonna know?

Seven - Hey, I'm in college... I'm allowed to have a little fun, right?

Unless a girl knows she's going to end up with someone who is going to accept that she's done pr0n, I think any other girls considering the idea should seriously look at the possible consequences and give it some second thoughts. One should always strive to choose the path with the least regrets. Amen.

Amazing Fact

It has recently been estimated that approximately 3 out of 4 people make up a staggering 75% of the world's population.

Overhead...

"Apparently, a frog laid eggs in his pool..."

Embarass Your Dog




Thanks, Dale!

Finally bought a new fragrance... Intuition by Estee Lauder. Very feminine, very romantic.. just the way I like my perfume :) I like any kind of perfume that makes me feel excited when I can smell it on myself.. like Ocean Dream by Giorgio Beverly Hills... that's my absolutely favorite one. I think it's perfect for me, but too bad they've discontinued it so I always have to try to find it in little perfume stands or online somewhere. I have no idea why they would discontinue something that smelled that great.

Those Fishy Pre-teen Modeling Sites
Thank goodness! About time they talked about this issue once again. I was so afraid no one would do anything about it or get concerned with it. Now I have a little more faith in the government... just a little...



By Mike Brunker
MSNBC

March 28 � The photos of 12-year-old �Amber� cavorting in a swimsuit and various skimpy outfits wouldn�t have raised so much as an eyebrow if they had been posted on a family home page. But on lilamber.com � one of a growing number of �preteen model� sites operating in the legal gray area between innocent imagery and child pornography � they have drawn the attention of the Justice Department and prompted a congressman to declare war on the �reckless endangerment� of such kids by their parents and Web site operators.

�THIS IS AN unacceptable way for a child to earn lunch money � performing like a circus animal,� Rep. Mark Foley said of the sites, which feature girls as young as 6 wearing revealing clothing and striking sexually suggestive poses but display no nudity or overt sexual material that would run afoul of child pornography laws. �It sickens you that a parent would have such disregard for their own child.�

Foley, R-Fla., was informed by the Justice Department earlier this month that, at his request, it had instructed the FBI to review the pre-teen sites in order to determine whether they are breaking any laws. Foley also asked a House Judiciary subcommittee to hold hearings on the subject, which would allow parents of the girls and the Web site operators to be subpoenaed.

�Lil Amber,� the site that touched a raw nerve for Foley, is one of dozens of preteen �model� sites that have popped up on the Internet over the last few years.

MOST CUSTOMERS ARE ADULTS

March 28 � Deborah Sherman of WTVJ/NBC 6 in Miami reports on Rep. Mark Foley�s fight to shut down �child erotica� sites.

There is ample evidence that the sites, which sell photos and videotapes to members, cater primarily to adults, very few of whom are in the market to hire models. Many � if not most � customers are sexually interested in children, and some are pedophiles, according to law enforcement officials and children�s advocates.

�This is legal child porn,� said Ken Lanning, a retired FBI agent who studied deviant sexual behavior during most of his 30 years with the bureau. �It�s not against the law, but it�s exciting and stimulating and arousing for people with a certain deviant interest.�

Officials at Webe Web Inc., the Davie, Fla., Web-hosting company behind a half-dozen pre-teen �model� sites, including �Lil Amber,� have previously denied that the sites cater to pedophiles or constitute child pornography. But after a rash of bad publicity � including an investigation by NBC�s Miami affiliate, WTVJ/NBC 6, that revealed many previously unreported details about �Amber,� her family and the company � they are no longer doing so.

�No one here is going to talk about it anymore,� said a man who answered the phone at Webe Web�s offices but declined to give his name.

�MOMMY� DEFENDS SITE

But in an e-mail conversation between MSNBC.com and an individual who says she is the mother of another pre-teen model known as �Jessi the Kid,� the respondent said the site was created to help her daughter fulfill her dream of becoming an actress and was no more racy than ads for fashion lines such as Benetton that appear every day in national publications. Furthermore, she said, the media are focusing only on the revealing outfits and missing the other material on the site geared to appeal to other kids.

�Our site is filled with so many wonderful things that any kid would be happy to see and browse through,� said the respondent, who signed her e-mail as �Mommy.� �Why are you stuck on the few photos we have of her in her custom-made clothing? Have you seen the great updates where she shows you how to make an excellent salmon dish using only tinfoil to bake it with? What about the very fun and informative software reviews that took her months to put together? Any [of] her Yoga video/pics!??�

But fan discussion groups on Yahoo! and Internet news groups support the contention that the child models� most ardent fans are adults, said Scott Zamost, a WTVJ producer who spent four months investigating the �Lil Amber� site and Webe Web, which also hosts several adult porn sites.

�You could tell by the postings that these weren�t kids who were viewing the sites. Some people were posting poetry,� Zamost said, adding that �Lil Amber�s� fan club at one time had more than 9,000 members.

A CHILLING QUIP

Likewise, on an Internet news group for �girl-lovers,� a subscriber who identified himself as �Rainbow� posted a brief positive review of the new �Jessithekid� Web site in December 1999, then signed off with this chilling quip: �Anyone for 10-ish? (groan).�

Foley, who is co-founder of a congressional caucus devoted to issues surrounding missing and exploited children, learned of the pre-teen sites late last year when WTVJ asked about them.

�I was outraged when I first saw it because it�s being passed off as some career-building opportunity or [raising money] to apply for college,� he said, referring to statements on several of the sites saying the proceeds will go toward the girls� college educations. �To me, it borders on pornography and indentured servitude.�

After purchasing a membership to �Lil Amber� site, which cost $25 for the first month and $19.95 a month thereafter, MSNBC.com reviewed dozens of photos and purchased a videotape for an additional amount to determine how far the site�s creators were willing to go.
In all instances, the material stopped well short of what is popularly considered child porn. The shots showed �Amber� (which is not her real name) in bathing suits, short shorts and skimpy halter tops, but never revealed any genitalia or her breasts. Some of the photos were disturbing � such as one in which she appeared to have been rolled in clay � but others could just as well have been from a backyard birthday party.

MTV MEETS BAD HOME MOVIES

�Video #4 � Amber Models Summer Fashions� was like a cross between MTV and bad home movies. �Amber� spent most of the hourlong tape energetically dancing in front of a fireplace in a living room, with a placard reading �Jesus� and a family photo on the mantelpiece and a dog statuette alongside.

She �modeled� a dozen different outfits during the dance-a-thon, apparently fashions that were requested or purchased by Web site members. In one scene, she lifted her skirt, giving the briefest glimpses of underwear. In another, the unidentified cameraman lay on the floor and shot up her skirt as she danced away un-self-consciously. That was as far as it went.

At another point in the videotape, an unidentified man whose face was not shown presented her with a new Dell Computer and said, �This was a gift from all your fans � 15 different people.�

Lanning, the retired FBI agent, reviewed a sampling of the photos at MSNBC.com�s request and said that at least one conceivably could considered child pornography under a 1994 decision by the 3rd U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals.

In that case, U.S. v. Knox, the court ruled that language in the Protection of Children Against Sexual Exploitation Act of 1977 prohibiting the �lascivious exhibition of the genitals or pubic area� can include �non-nude depictions.� The court upheld the conviction of defendant Stephen Knox on the grounds that videotapes he had purchased showing children posing in leotards were marketed as being sexually exciting.

�LASCIVIOUS INTENT�

But Lanning noted that even under that decision, which set precedent only in the 3rd Circuit, prosecutors would have to prove �lascivious intent� on the part of the parents or the Web site operators for a successful prosecution. That would be particularly difficult given that the pre-teens are being presented on the Web sites as �models� rather than sexual objects.

Debbie Mahoney, CEO of Safeguarding Our Children � United Mothers (SOCUM), an organization that aims to protect children from pedophiles, says prosecutors also have an abundance of more clear-cut cases to pursue. �The is so much hard-core child pornography and so many pedophiles on the Internet that when prosecutors see a kid like this, they say, �It may be egregious, but it�s not child porn, so let�s move on to something that we can prosecute,�� she said. But Rep. Foley said he intends to explore a new legal avenue � whether the parents of the child models could be prosecuted under child-endangerment laws. �This is reckless endangerment if I�ve ever seen it because you�re basically introducing your child to some really sick people,� Foley told MSNBC.com this week.

RISK OF PEDOPHILE STALKERS?

Such laws vary from state to state, but in general that would require a prosecutor to show that posing for the Web site would subject a child to a �substantial risk of harm.� In the case of the pre-teen sites, both potential physical harm from a pedophile stalker and possible psychological trauma from being treated as a sexual object could be considered, said Chris Paulitz, an aide to Foley.

The idea that a stalker could track down a child model was bolstered by the fact that Zamost and his WTVJ team were able to track down �Amber� and her family, starting out with only a hint from Webe Web co-founder Jeff Libman that she might live in Palm Beach County and visual clues in the photos and videos in which she appeared.

The girl�s mother and step-father declined a request for an interview, but armed with their identities, the TV crew was able to determine that the mother had been a porn performer on an adult Web site several years earlier. Through court records, the crew also was able to track down the girl�s father, who said he was opposed to the site, Zamost said.

STUDY OF THE RISK URGED

But anecdotal evidence like that likely would not be enough to persuade a jury to convict on child endangerment charges, said Howard Davidson, director of the American Bar Association�s Center for Children and the Law.

�One would have to document the risks to children of engaging in these modeling sites � rather than just be speculative about the dangers,� he said. �If there had been cases where kids had been sexually abused as a result of involvement, then I think it would be easier to sustain both in the legislature and, ultimately, in the courts.�

Such an approach also would raise raise serious First Amendment concerns, said Kim Hart, director of the National Child Abuse Defense and Resource Center.

�I think that we need to define child endangerment to make sure that we�re not casting a really broad net,� she said. �Does that mean that today we would charge Brooke Shields� mother for �Blue Lagoon�?�

Hart, whose non-profit group seeks to ferret out cases of falsely reported child abuse, also said that while modeling pictures such as those on the �Lil Amber� site are distasteful, they don�t necessarily equate with endangerment.

�Just because someone does something that you don�t like, it doesn�t necessarily mean that they don�t care about their children,� she said. �� If you want to check out the parents and make sure that the child is being clothed and fed and going to school, fine.�

�UNSAVORY,� BUT NOT ILLEGAL

Stephen B. Levine, a professor of psychiatry at Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine and an expert on sexuality, made a similar point.

�I think it�s reasonable to think that these sites are pandering to pedophiliac interests ... and they are unsavory,� he said. �But this is America, where we tolerate lots of unsavory things for freedom of expression, and I don�t think we�re willing to give up these freedoms.�

While the implications of the effort to crack down on the pre-teen �model� sites will continue to be debated, the girl known as Amber will no longer figure in the discussions.

She abruptly ended her career as an Internet �model� in December with no explanation and was replaced with a new �Lil Amber,� who bears more than a passing resemblance to the original. A posting on a now-deactivated Yahoo! fan group states that �Amber has passed on her legacy to a new model, 11-year-old Jana. ... Amber supports this group ... and [has] authorized it as Jana�s official fan group.�

Her successor doesn�t yet have her own video, but the �Lil Amber� site promises that one is coming soon.